Husbands, Stop and Pray
Blogger’s Note: While not able to find the claimed 1/10,000 statistic following multiple scholarly database searches, I spoke with the awesome folks over at the National Association of Marriage Enhancement who did a similar Gallop study in the late 1990s. Their results found that for couples who pray together on a regular basis the divorce rate is 1/1,152. Either ridiculously big number still proves the nature of God’s ridiculously big love to work in a marriage; wouldn’t you agree?
1 in 10,000
1 in 10,000: that’s a ridiculous number. If you’re a nerd like me and have spent any time curiously thinking about the mathematical harmonies of God’s creation, you know that a 1 in 10,000 chance is ridiculous. Here are some things for comparison’s sake:
- The odds of winning perfectly on a Pick 3 lottery ticket are only 1/1,000
- The odds of flipping a coin heads 10 times in a row is 1/1,024
- The odds of rolling a Yahtzee on the first try is 1/1,296
- The odds of me dealing you 5 cards from a shuffled deck and giving you four of a kind is 1/4,164
So why am I talking about math, possibly making your head hurt, and doing all of this on a Christian English teacher’s blog post? Because I have heard in a sermon that there was a study done that says the odds of getting a divorce for a couple who regularly prays together are a whopping 1/10,000.
What? That’s nuts.
Comparatively, divorce rates in or out of the church in America are about 50% so again, this stat is bonkers. I would love to find the primary source and deeply desire to do so. Until then, check out this post from Matt McWilliams on the same subject if you wish to help me on this rabbit trail.
Redirecting this topic towards personal experience, there is nothing more powerful I have come to find for the health of a marriage than to pray consistently. Husbands, today I’m mainly talking to you. Let’s explore when to pray, how to pray, and why we pray for, over, and with our wives.
Works Every Time
One time Jessica and I were playing around, tickling and what-have-you. I kept getting after her so much that she with as much seriousness and playfulness found herself saying, “You better stop or I’m gonna give you a knuckle sandwich!” If I had just taken a sip of milk, it would have come out my nose from laughing so hard.
While this example is playful, conflict itself is often not. The fastest way from letting a conversation spin anywhere near out of control and into a fight is for the husband to stop and pray. If you take away one thing from this whole post, please take this one thing away. Husbands, stop and pray.
I know that stopping and praying in the heat of a moment takes tremendous self-control and humility, but remember, the Holy Spirit promises us this restraint (Galatians 5:22-23). Through his benevolent grace, he will assist us in turning many otherwise unhealthy arguments into fruitful and productive conversations for his glory.
How does this work? God humbles our heart. You see, when you go before the throne of God, especially with your wife, with an honest and humble heart, he will act (2nd Chronicles 34:27, Psalm 37:5). Remember: character is built by doing things we need to do when we don’t want to do them. So hubbies, even if you don’t feel like doing this, trust God; he will humble you.
Here’s the funny part: Every time Jessica and I have almost gotten into a fight, and we have stopped and prayed, what God will do is show me where I have misstepped and lead me first to seek her forgiveness. He doesn’t give me greater clarity and insight into whatever mistake I perceived she has made, our Lord simply and lovingly shows me how much of a boob I’ve been and to ask for her forgiveness.
This works every time. You are the spiritual leader of your wife. Ephesians 5:22-23 says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.” Now, while the Holy Spirit was leading Paul to address directly the wives, we can very much reinterpret this verse as an indirect command to husbands that we are responsible for our wives. The greatest part of our role is as their spiritual leader and guide. The recipe for divorce and unhappiness for marriage I must assume includes two key ingredients: conflict and isolation. Prayer will stop these evils dead in their tracks.
Other Great Opportunities
Husbands, we don’t just stop and pray when we are about to feed each other knuckle sandwiches. God wants to know you, be in relationship with you, and be intimate with you (John 17:3). Here are some other great opportunities to “draw near to God (so that) he will draw near to you” (James 4:7) either alone or with the missus:
- Mornings in quiet time by yourself – This is possibly the greatest time to seek out God in prayer and intimacy. Mark 1:35 & Matthew 6:33.
- Mornings with her before you leave for work – For Jessica and I, the morning and bedtime prayers are particularly special. Start your wife’s day by sharing with her a unique, God-honoring prayer that is special for you, her and God that addresses needs for the day, recognizing God as your much needed guide, anything upcoming you might be tempted to be anxious about and everything you are thankful for. (Philippians 4:6-7).
- In the car to and from work – This is a great place to reinforce the discipline of just talking to God. You can also sing to him if you wish, listen to a sermon, or whatever stirs your affections for him.
- During day about her and the needs of others – This is probably where I personally need the most growth. Pray as you are led by the Spirit.
- Meals
- Bedtime – This time you can pray for the day you two have had and lift up any new requests which may have emerged.
- Whenever Led – God is always with us (Joshua 1:9; Hebrews 13:5), so just talk to him. He likes that.
The only spur of the moment time you pray with your wives fellas does not have to be on the verge of WW3. You can always pray alone or with her, whenever and for whatever. That’s why God put her in your life, amongst many other amazing reasons, if you know what I mean.
His Friends and His Brothers
If you feel like praying with your wife would be awkward, that is totally understandable. If you never practice free throws in your driveway, it would make sense that shooting one in a game with people watching would be uncomfortable, right? I would simply encourage you to pray more often by yourself throughout your day to get the ball bouncing. Christ calls us his friends (John 15:13) and his brothers (John 20:17). So just talk to him in your quiet times and tell him what’s on your heart like you do with a brother or friend.
Finally, if you find yourself feeling as though you’re talking more to the wall than to him, ask God to show you any sins you may need to confess as this can impede on our relationship with him as well (Isaiah 59:2).
Not a Married Man
Even if you’re not a married man, there are many lessons we can take away in praying for our loved ones, even our future or former spouse:
Singles, one of the first things my then future mother in law Sandra ever told me was that they had been praying for me for a long time. That was a special thing to hear, especially months out from my hot mess days. Men, pray for your future wife, wherever she is. Maybe she is a hot mess in need of your prayers. Single women, do the same.
Remember also to “seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33). God wants you to draw near to him and become intimate with him, not just pray to him so he will give you a spouse. You focus on serving and loving God, and trust him to make your path straight.
Wives, pray for your husband daily and to God always (1st Thessalonians 5:17). If your husband is anxious or hesitant about leading the two of you in prayer, encourage him in this as you should in all things (Hebrews 3:13). Pray to God to give him strength in this area and thank him as he leads you well. I know that when my kids tell me I’m a good teacher, even if I don’t feel like one, these words always encourage me and push me to be a better one.
Divorcees, I would encourage you to begin praying unselfish prayers for your wife/husband and “if possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Romans 12:18). Extend offers of peace; offer to begin praying with your estranged spouse and genuinely ask God to go to work and mend broken hearts, including your own. God loves turning hot messes into messages (trust me, I know). If you find your heart hard towards this, build character by forgiving your spouse to God for all they have done to you (Ephesians 4:32-5:1), knowing that their sins, like yours, will be tended to on either the day of judgment, or already have been by the grace of God on the cross.
Better than 9,999/10,000
If you’ve read this much, and have yet to accept Christ’s gift of eternal salvation, God wants you to know that while “the wages of sin is death…the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 6:23). Whether married or unmarried, adulterer or addict, idolater or whatever kind of sinner you may be, remember that “Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God” (1st Peter 3:18). God’s gift of salvation in Christ is free, delightfully given, even in suffering, and yours for the taking. The odds for eternal life once accepting Christ as your Savior are way better than even 9,999/10,000.
Heavenly Father, thank you for our wives, husbands, and all our brothers and sisters in Christ. Thank you for your mighty Intercessor Lord God, who leads us to live peaceably with our spouses and all, and to be bold in initiating prayers before fights, and humble before your throne. We love you. It’s in Christ’s mighty name by the power of the Holy Spirit we pray, amen.
